Taking a break

i am taking a break from blogging for awhile—needing to take care of some personal stuff at the moment–and decide how much i want to pursue this blog and awareness at this time–plz pray for me and hopefully see ya next year.

“grief”

i used to hear how leaving a church, losing a job, or even losing a friendship can all be things that can cause grief–or signal yourself to go through the grieving stages (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance)–me, i would add guilt in there too–being the holidays i sit and think about my parents–and grieving for them–some would say i never fully grieved for my mother–and not really something i care to discuss here—but the reason i brought that up is the word “guilt”–when she passed away–i felt, and still feel tremendous guilt—could that be why i feel so much guilt in my leaving the “cult”, being in the “cult”, losing my job, leaving a “church”, losing friendship, etc—my center feeling in all of them is “guilt”–i would say in each of those circumstances i play the what if’s–and what i could have done differently, or should have done–and i agree what someone commented on my previous posts—yes, the what if’s can drive you crazy–and those that know me and my “analytical” mind–it does drive me crazy–what could i have done to change the “cult”, or all the different things i saw, or felt but never acted upon–when my mom passed, i also knew that night again a gut feeling, but did nothing; my job a “gut” feeling there too–i knew where it was going with the combination of my job and the leader, if i would have just been more submissive, listened, etc i probably would have had my job still and wouldn’t be stressing about where i am going to live in a few months; my church-maybe i should haven’t had so much expectations-my “church” views really aren’t anymore right then others–and why should i REALLY expect anyone/any place to help me, not worthy of that–and friendship-i am sure there is lots i could have done to stop it before it all came where it did–sigh.. but in each of the cases–i am the one who is suffering, struggling, lost, confused—maybe i really am stuck in a stage of grief for all of those things–and maybe a person grieves the same in all of those things–i don’t know—just hoping that i can find away out of this guilt trip–and wonder if a person really does grieve for any type of loss–by choice or not???

Candle light

I sit here this holiday eve–dreaming, and thinking of the candle light service i loved so many years in the past, would be the one time of year i wouldn’t miss–and now i sit here–wanting to go–but really no “desire” to go (if tht makes sense)–i hurt for myself, and all those others who feel this way–but also knowing that the true meaning of this time of year doesn’t necessarily need to take place in a “church”–but also wishing i had a group here, or someone to just sit together with while candles glistened in my own home–and i guess really wishing i could take that bold step and attend a service anyways–but the thought of it makes me sick, chilled, oppressed, depressed, etc–plus my mind begans to wander anyways in a different direction and my thoughts of what a “church” should be this time of year and it really isn’t–sigh……. keep telling myself that it is the holidays–find some blessings–and hoping through the next year i can find a way to turn thoughts and confusion–into BELIEF (no questions asked–just is)

I also want to take this time to say thanks for bearing with me this year–reading, listening, replying–HAPPY HOLIDAYS to you.

“guilt”

tonight i sit here–in my pasture–missing a friend of mine–but wondering how much i played in his heartache and lack of peace in his life too–i guess i think how much better off they would be if never met me—maybe life would have been simpler–as i sit here all i feel is guilt–terrible person, and what they must think of me and the roll i played in this mess—kind of like the roll i played in the “cult” i was in—if i would have never met them, if i wouldnt have made the choices i did—would i have been better off–don’t know for sure—i am hoping that in the long run, my life will be better off in some senses for being in the organization—(do i see it now–NO not at all) and i also hope this persons life was better off knowing me, regardless of the problems i caused. to me unfortunately GUILT is a huge problem i have hanging over my head huh. May i find a way to let the guilt go in both circumstances

FYI

For those of you that follow more of my personal story—i added some different posts on my other blog.
thanks again for all your support—and may you all have a safe holiday

lost passion/identity

As I sit here and reflect–I often wonder why so much of this affects me the way it has—-why can’t I just get over it like people tell me to–why I can’t just find another church—why some of this all frustrate me so—why do personal hurts turn all into spiritual hurts—as I look at my life, I think about being a child—even at 7,8 or whatever the one thing I looked forward to was going to church with my grandpa—I can picture his voice still now as he sang the Doxology from our hymn books—we would often share hymn books—now I am sure I spent a lot of time in church at that age doodling—but I loved Sunday school, church, and anything at such a young age that brought me closer to that “feeling” I no longer have—the one day I looked forward to every year was x-mas eve candlelight services—as a child, teen, adult–sitting there in service with the candlelight glistening–stain glass window lit up–WOW-this was my first church and where I became baptized as a baby, married, and later my son was baptized there as a baby—I put time in this church, and taught Sunday school classes several years when I got older–but then all of sudden I got kicked out of the church I was a member of–and why–because I did not tithe enough, according to them–yes I volunteered–but because I did not tithe enough—and the bullheaded person I am—I believed it was WRONG then–we had offering envelopes so they could keep track—truth be known I did tithe on Sundays—-just was too bullheaded to put it in the envelopes because I knew and thought it was wrong—-but instead of them even contacting me and asking if everything was okay and or why I wasn’t tithing—I got a letter in the mail out of the blue that stated you are no longer a member of this church due to you not tithing. It literally took me many years to come back to a church—I yearned so much though for the Lord—was totally lost how to get there-and really sometimes didn‘t want to-why go to a “church“ that would kick you out if you didn‘t do what was told or expected of you–would ask people to bible study with me, but no one wanted to—I even ran into the head of the “cult” at one point to bible study with me (actually was referred to her)–ironically at the time she turned me down and blew me off-until my mom passed away and she decided she could get her claws in me and use my moms death against me so to speak. What an idiot I was—but I wanted sooo much to grow, learn, etc with HIM and was told they could help and do that–that is when I got lined up with another church—was told by the group leader this was where to go—I went almost every Sunday at night/evening–my son hated this church–but I went anyways—I became baptized here—really at the time I was told I had to become baptized to become a member of this church–would I have gotten baptized otherwise–honestly don’t know–but was glad I did—I enjoyed this church–but unbeknownst to me I was being monitored there–how often I attended (pastor was good friends with my cult leader) even what I said to the pastor–and that was thrown against me–however I did go–but no one wanted to hear it–also at this church I ran into a former prisoner who was growing in christ to–I yearned to learn and grow so we talked, about HIM together–I always was one who believed never judge anyone–prisoner, or not we were to be connected on a spiritual level–and this was my downfall at this church–another thing this organization/cult used against me—I should NOT be associated with those kind of people, I should not/and could not discuss the bible since I knew absolutely NOTHING about it—so there went that truth I used to think—treat everyone the same, etc–to fellowship and grow together in HIM. Hell I knew nothing about HIM, or the BIBLE and was talking with wrong people—I didn’t blame the church for that–but left because I wanted to find my own identity in HIM–my own identity away from the organization/cult—but even that didn’t work. I started a new church a few months later–the one that now pains me too (which I will write more about in another blog post–kind of long)

Guess what I was getting at in this looonnnggg post (sry) was ever since I was a kid I yearned for HIM–wanted to learn about HIM–looked forward to worshipping HIM—and now all tht is so empty, hurtful in my life-I yearn so much to go to a xmas service–but the pain, hurt is so intense–getting tears and a headache thinking about it–it is almost like you work your whole life towards something (my faith-towards HIM)—I literally threw myself on the line for some things—and look, I am the one full of hurt, turmoil, lack of trust, etc–I guess I often feel frustrated with the lack of what a “church” should be–and I hurt so much for those who feel like me—and give up on it all because of these hurts, pain, lostness, criticisms, legalism—it is like I am looking for something that is behind me (my faith so to speak) instead of it being in front of me anymore. So much of what I believed in, had, hoped for WAS my identity–WAS who I was and wanted to be—now so lost–lost my soul, spirit, worth, purpose and identity.

I know this sounds like a bunch of babble

What is “church”????

I came across this article from link:

http://www.watchman.org/cults/spiritualabusebible.htm

I found the whole article significant in my life–all so true—but I put in red the issues that I was going to blog about.(“church”/organized religion)

God’s Attitude Toward Abuse
The damage done by spiritual abuse is very deep, much deeper than most would ever imagine unless it had been experienced. The damage is deep because of the vulnerability of the victim.
Think for a moment; when a believer enters a church is he going to put his guard up, or down? Does he not consider himself to be among those most interested in his welfare? The church is seen as a refuge.
With the idea that one is among those who are there to help and not hurt, a person is much more vulnerable to the damage that can come from someone who gives him a burden, or a rule, or a judgment based upon the traditions of men

When a believer acts, believing what they are told to be from God, but it turns out to be false, he can experience disappointment and disillusionment not only with the person who led him in the counsel, but toward God Himself. That is why spiritual abuse is so serious in God’s eyes.

Jeff VanVonderen observes that the symptoms exhibited by one who suffers spiritual abuse are point by point the same as a victim of incest. Each is a case of a trusted caregiver violating that trust in one of the most intimate parts of our human nature.
The heart of God toward the weak, and those who follow the strong, is illustrated in the familiar statement by Jesus regarding children. “But whoso shall offend one of these little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea.”
In verse three Jesus equates a new convert to this little child. The lesson is that we must use our influence carefully, wisely, and consistent with the Law of Love.
James makes this point in chapter 3, verse 1, when he says, ” My brethren, be not many masters (Greek, didaskaloi – teachers), knowing that we shall receive the greater condemnation.” There are damaging spiritual consequences to followers when a spiritual leader misleads, therefore there are more severe consequences from God for that leader.
Perhaps the longest lasting damage from spiritual abuse is loss of ability to trust. Mark Twain said that a cat that walked on a hot stove would never walk on a hot stove again. But then, it would not walk on a cold stove either.

Many abuse victims never again darken the door of a church. To them it represents too much danger.

I marked what I did because to me right now I am so frustrated with “church”/organized religion (at least what many think of “church” to be per se)—I, myself would like to find a House Church, or just a group of people—whatever religion, denomination, etc to get together and prayer together. But around here, and in my life I find that next to impossible—I have met several here on the internet, but to me there is still something about a personable connect if you know what I mean. I guess that brings to my frustration with “church”—I used to believe (well I guess I still do because it frustrates me so) but “church” to me was somewhere as the article says you could go for “peace”, your solace, your whatever you want to call it. I remember when you could go to a “church” and feel welcomed—they would greet, be there for each other, motivate each other, grow spiritual with each other, fellowship, potlucks, help the needy, etc, etc, etc—-now it seems to me so much of “church” and organized religion has turned into judgement, competition of which denomination is right, legalism on this is the “right” way to live a “christian life”, etc–where is all the stuff that was from the bible—just doesn’t seem to me to be biblical based in any sense—sometimes it seems to me to be so secular, controlled, etc—I don’t understand why there isn’t just one way—the biblical way—isn’t that really the way HE wanted it to be—to be a “family–brothers, sisters in christ” to get together and worship HIM—to help each other, grow together, all through HIM—I often wonder what HE thinks when he sees all this competition among “churches” and organized religion—-the only way to the real “truth” is through HIM, not a church—I guess this all just really pisses me off because I see so many leaving churches for this reason (including me), growing away from “faith” for this reason, growing away from HIM for this reason—-because there really isn’t anyone/anything out there helping all us believers grow together as one group of BELIEVERS in HIM—I was one who went to “church” buildings, services to be with HIM—what a sense of solace that gave me—WOW—until I continued and read what they claim is right, wrong, legalistic, etc—-I am one who questions what I am told, I am analytical—if I don’t understand I ask—is that good, probably–but it is bad when you don’t get an answer—or when you get 10 different answers from several different “leaders”–even some among the same church—guess I wonder and ponder if there really is only 1 true way to HEAVEN why are there so many different interpretations to get there—or if there is only ONE TRUTH—why are there so many different interpretations of that????? And if the BIBLE is full of truth and the only way, why I get 10 different interpretations of what it says (all thinking they are right)–No wonder all this confusion, no wonder so many want to leave the one place that gave them “peace”–and no wonder so many turn away from “church”/”organized religion, and HIM.
My wish this holiday season is also a ponder—why can’t believers just get along, not judge, no separation, respect one another, etc–this one time of the year. We all say there is 1 true God, 1 true way in the Bible—we should all come together for HIM–not judgement, legalism, power, they are the only way, ect. In my opinion “churches” and “organize religion” is what is separating all of us believers. And to me that is frustrating and very SAD.
This is just my opinion.

feel free to go to the next post and answer the questions—what really is the purpose of “church”/organized religion??

challenge/question to you all

i am going to write more about this in another post, both here and my personal blog—just don’t want to write it all out in emotions, because it is something that is really bothering me again lately–my questions to you if you all care to answer

have you left a “church”

have leaving a “church” or the “church” had anything to do with being hurt, if so why and how; if not why did you leave

do you think “church’ is important
(if so what is the “importance” of “church”)

again—i will post more on this in another post—my thoughts, feelings, frustrations—just some of it just angers me so!!!!

Wandering in the pasture :(

again in one of my where exactly do i fit in within the realm of “spirituality/faith”—am i believer, christian, etc—been finding myself looking into other religions—just wanting to find myself—wanting to truly find where i belong—-and do i really belong anywhere—i have for so long known (or at least thought i did anyways) what/where i wanted—-but what i wanted is tainted to me, with hurts, judgments, hate—-and yes as i wander around in this pasture lost—-i see a bunch of wolves hungry to eat me again where i want to go—i am a scared, confused, hurt lost sheep—-i wander around and check other places—other religions, spirituality, faith, etc—-there has to be one place that will not condemn a sheep like me—or somewhere that fits the sheep that i am—is there, do i really belong anywhere—i check out some of these other places—-boy do they have some nice green grass to nibble on, and the feel of their soft petting my sheep fur—the feeling like i belong–but do i really—-i yearn for the other grass, the other pasture–but how do you get through—-how do i get there—-do i wander some more, do i stick with some of this other grass, just give up and lie down, or keep yearning. sigh……………don’t want to be a lost sheep anymore what is a sheep to do?????

Blog Splitting

just to let you know i will more then likely post awareness and experiences, struggles both on this blog (seems like alot come for both reasons)–however, the other blog (that i gave some of you) will have a little bit more personal indepth stuff on it—so if someone else just wants more personal–plz drop me a comment, message, or something.
thanks